Alcoholic Encounters Leads to Weird Body Science
by BlAcK-HeArTed SeXyBoy
Summary: James comes to the realization that alcohol tends to get you what you want. Of course someone is going to get some. haha That's all I'm giving you folks! If you want some good laughs just read it! ;
1. Let's visit the bottom of our Cups

James Potter watched to his great amusement his best friends participate in the most ridiculous drinking competition. Of course it could hardly be deemed a competition at all- Remus Lupin did not indulge in what Sirius Black called the "The Finer Things in Life". James was quite surprised that Remus had indeed held out for so long, matching Sirius cup-for-cup. It was quite unanimous that it was time to vacate the party in the Hufflepuffs common room once Remus stumbled up to a pretty fifth year, proceeded to tell her she had a nice rack, and then fell straight backwards onto the floor. Such compliments from Remus were always quite surprising, for he was usually "quite a nice boy". However, everyone knows that alcohol does have its adverse effects. (a/n-Naturally.)

James snorted and went to collect his fallen comrade from the ground. Squeezing through the party-goers and avoiding the more brazen of his female admirers, James soon reached Remus and gave him a slight nudge with his foot. When there was no response he reached down and gave Remus a few smart slaps to the face, which only caused Remus to squint his eyes open and mutter something entirely incoherent and ridiculous about breasts.

With a sigh, James straightened his 6'3 frame and scanned the room for Sirius. It did not take long to find him, considering he had a group of girls surrounding him as he plucked a song out on his guitar. James rolled his eyes, knowing it was going to take him more time to pull Sirius away from his fan club then it would to toat Remus' seemingly lifeless body back to Gryffindor Tower. _Dear God, this is going to be one hell of a long night. _

"You know it really is quite a shame Moony can't hold his liquor better. For him being a skinny-ish fellow he sure is a brute to carry at a complete dead weight."

Sirius had been complaining since James finally got him to leave the party.

"Quite so. But we do owe the dear boy. I do recall him dragging our drunken asses back after certain escapades. He can be rather saint-like at times. Dear God Padfoot! Watch out for his head!"

Sirius had just managed to let Remus' head hit every stair up to the next landing. He gave James an impish grin and stated apologetically to Remus, "Sorry Mate: You are going to have one hell of a headache once you wake up."

James shook his head. "You have the easy part, Pads. I have to walk backwards up these stairs, which means you have to lift a wee bit higher in the arms so his head isn't banging the steps you git!"

"Well I got the heavy part! You know how much his head probably weighs with all that brain?! And his arms and upper body-"

"So! I have to walk in-between his legs…I feel like a fucking fag right now!"

They continued to argue all the way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where they were able to unceresmonially plop Remus onto one of the many couches. Sirius pulled out two bottles of fire whiskey he had managed to pilfer from the party.

"How about a nightcap Prongsie?"

James raised one jet-black brow. "Naturally, need a pick-me-up _Padsie_."

"But of course," Sirius paused to take a swig from his bottle. "What in the devil has gotten into you anyways, Prongs. Tonight you were moping around the party and not even participating in the festivities. You basically had the personality of a wet mop."

James frowned at this. "Pads, just sip your little bottle and don't worry about it," James frown became darker. "It is just a matter of utter confusion that has me stuck in the doldrums mate."

"Well then by all means I intend to get you thoroughly foxed before I send you off to your "Heads" mini-flat…and back to your source of confusion."

"Naturally," James stated sardonically.

A/N: Tell me if you like it so far! You may have noticed I have an excellent sense of humor..even if I only make myself laugh. This is my first fan-fic and I am open to critique...just don't hate on me too much. :] This is just a taste and of course there is more to come!


	2. Nothing like a bit of Bare Ass Truth

Lily sat up in bed and looked at her muggle alarm clock for the tenth time. 2:16 AM. She slapped her hand against her forehead and fell back against her pillows. _Why in the devil am __I_ _worried about Potter? He's a big boy. A __very__ big boy. _Lily blushed and mentally kicked her conscience for being perverse. But a girl could only be teased with temptation so many times before it gets her. Lily had caught James coming out of the shower a week ago and could not kick the image of his half-naked body out of her corrupted brain. Things seemed to change in the week previous. Like a blanket of tension would settle every time they happened to come into close proximity. Basically whenever they were in a room together.

It did not escape Lily's attention that James had been going out more than usual and getting foxed _every night _since their awkward encounter. This was the latest he had been out though, and it was making her worry. She struggled and wrestled with sleep and it did not come for worry and images of naked James Potter invaded her brain every time she closed her eyes. Her only condolence was that he was perhaps sleeping over with his best mates. Or perhaps he was only out late because it was a weekend and there was that party in the Hufflepuffs' Common Room.

She tried to reason with herself that she would not be worried if he wasn't the Head Boy, because she would not be expecting him to show up. But of course he was her fellow Head. And it was his bloody fault that she wasn't getting her beauty sleep.

Lily was still not entirely over the fact that James did indeed make Gryffindor Head Boy. She was actually _jealous_ of the fact that he did not study and still managed to receive O's in almost every subject. Lily pounded her pillows with her fist. _Stop thinking about Potter. _

It did not take a seer to predict that Lily would make Head Girl. She was a brilliant student, surpassing almost all of her classmates in nearly every subject. So when she received her letter she was not completely shocked to find a gold badge clattering out onto her kitchen counter. In fact she was completely pleased as she scanned her Hogwart's letter. However, her eyes stopped short when she read that James Potter was her fellow head. Shock could not be a word to describe Lily Evans at that precise moment. Her mouth fell open and her eye began to involuntarily twitch as the letter slid from her hand to the floor. Quite frankly, it looked like she should have been institutionalized. Of course it didn't help matters that she was muttering to herself: "_A mistake…Obviously a mistake. Just a typing Error. That's it Evans." _

Lily shuddered at the memory and quickly pushed it aside. By the time school came she was surprised to find that she was actually looking forward to seeing Potter. She of course spent the majority of her Summer thinking of 100 new ways to embarrass or reject James, but that is an entirely different story. What did shock Lily was the fact when she actually, physically seen James he perpetually ignored her. Merely tossed out a "Hey, Evans," before he disappeared for the rest of the train ride. Lily rolled to her side and kicked her sheets off.

A couple of months into school and after sharing the Heads' dorms, Lily had come to realize that James Potter had changed. Of course he was still the brash, cocky, arrogant prat he had always been. But now it was like he did not direct that attention towards her.

Lily had really never been a jealous type. She was after all a knock-out by any means. She stood at about 5'7 with her notorious red hair and bottle green eyes. Over the last couple of years her body had more fully matured and the sharp curves of her early teenage years dissipated and turned into well-rounded proportions. But she was becoming the jealous type now since James had been ignoring her. Every time she seen him hitting on some addled-brain bitch she wanted to step up and pull their hair out and destroy the beautifulness so that eventually she would be the only beauty in the school. Quite insane and self-centered…but one cannot control jealous tendencies…Right?

Eventually when Lily could not stand the cold shoulder from James no longer she finally mustered up the courage to pop the question.

"_Why in the devil have you not asked me out yet Potter?"_

"_It's simple really, Evans," James replied, almost sounding bored. "I've come to realize what the word __NO__ means…and all the other phrases you delicately rejected me with. That's what you wanted after all, right?" _

Lily winced and thought about the times she had rejected James.

"_Lils, will you please go out with me?"_

"_I'd would rather go to hell potter."_

"_Lilyflower, fancy a snog in the storage bin before classes?"_

"_Potter, I would rather snog the giant squid in the black lake."_

"_Lily! Everyday without you causes the strings around my heart to grow tighter!"_

"_GOOD! Maybe it will kill you one day!"_

Lily sighed and sat up in her bed. So she had not been the nicest to James. She was rather confused each time he walked away looking hurt.

This year had actually been different. They actually _talked_ now instead of fighting. And James still hadn't asked her out one, single time. She did feel selfish for wanting the feeling back of being the center of James' world. But indeed his asking her out had became a sort of her routine. She missed the interaction. So she had gone out of her way to try and make James jealous by dating several other guys. Trying to prod him into being the "old James". However, she was the one that ended up jealous every time she seen James with one of his _whores_. For the most part she had tried her hardest to harbor her jealous feelings, but a new gate opened this day a week ago when she caught James coming out of that damn shower. Of course it was by _accident. _

_It was early in the morning and usually James slept in. However, as she opened the door to their shared bathroom she found to her great horror that a very naked James Potter already inhibiting the bathroom. He was turned, so he did not realize Lily's intrusion until he heard her gasp. Choking for breath more likely. Lily took in the sight of his long back that tapered down to his lean waist and firm, tight ass. Yes…tight ass. Quiditch was good for something. She was pretty sure she was in the process of dying from mortification as she choked on her breath, drawing James' attention. He merely just turned around and wrapped a towel around his waist. Upon seeing Lily's flushed face he raised a jet-black brow in amusement and asked if there was a problem. She couldn't stop her eyes from their downward travel from his lean, muscled chest and tight abdomen down farther…"What the devil are you staring at Evans?" James now seemed a little embarrassed and Lily could do no more than turn crimson and mutter a quick apology before she stumbled backwards through the door. _

Lily was quite confused by her feelings but even more confused by how James responded. He went from amused to almost angry. Lily was a virgin, but she was not ignorant about sex and what went on between men and women. What she did not understand was that her "innocent" perusal of James' body got him a bit heated up and he did not want her to see.

Lily decided that she must have been awake for far too long for her brain was creating the most foolish notions. Her confusion seemed to dim and all that was left was a raw emotion. She wanted James. She shook her head and slipped off of her mattress. For now she would settle for a cup of water.


	3. A Disgusting Condition

James sat with his back to the portrait as he tried to remember the password into the Head Dorms. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Puhleease Gawain. Is it Nabisco? Figgle newt? Peash can? Duck lamp? Big-fat baked potato? Fuzzy nipplesss?"

"No, but close!" James shook his head and laughed. Sirius had indeed managed to send James back thoroughly foxed. In truth, James was surprised he was able to make it back at all. He only fell exactly two times! Resolutely, James pulled himself up on his two wobbly legs.

"Yah know Gawain…I have tried brain now let's go muscleys. I am breaking you cuz I don't like cement floors. Thash it! I'm kicken it down misssster knight man!" With this ridiculous statement James attempted lifting one of his wobbly legs to give a good kick and just ended up sprawled out on the ground. He pulled his knees up and rested his head on them. He was pretty sure he just broke his ass.

"James?" The person in question whipped his head up quickly and instantly regretted it as pain shot through his neck and a blurry visage of red appeared before him.

"Yah know what? I bin sittin' here," James made a great sweeping motion with his arms, "Out HERE trying to get through that damn wall for hours!" James shook his head and his naturally disheveled hair fell across his brow. Lily had never seen James look so ridiculous, sitting down there on the floor like a frumpy thing. But at the same time he had that aura of sexiness.

James snorted and tried to clear his brain. He didn't want Lily to know how drunk he was. Slowly he raised his head up and took his first good look at Lily. His breath hitched as he slowly perused her form. Her long, red hair was left loose, curtaining over her shoulders and settling above the curve of her waist. And for the love of GOD! She was wearing nothing but some skimpy, green, night-cloth thingie! In reality, it really wasn't that skimpy at all.

"Good God woman! Are you trying to kill me?!"

Lily pushed the question aside and raised one of her own. "Do you have any idea what _time_ it is _Potter?_ And furthermore you chose to be dragging your arse back _here_ in your condition?!"

"Certainly," He replied indignantly. "It's-It's…Well bleeding hell do you have a watch on now? Whatever time it is…Well…Where else would I go but to my own bed?" With this statement he smirked.

Lily just rolled her eyes as she thought of all the beds throughout the castle available to James Potter. "Can you walk?"

"But of course! That is how I got here. 'Deed it was." James pulled himself from the ground on wobbly legs. When it looked like he was going to fall flat on his face, Lily rushed forward, dragging his arm around her neck, and putting her own around his waist. _Well at least he can stand._

To the best of her abilities, Lily maneuvered James through the portrait hole and across their commons. However, the stairs proved to be a beast as James managed to trip up the very first step. As he fell he pulled Lily down with him and they both ended up sprawled out at the bottom of the staircase.

"Hells teeth! I should just leave you here you fool!" James tried to put a serious face on but broke out into laughter. Somehow Lily managed to disentangle their limbs and get James up the stairs and finally into his bedroom. Once her initial irritation passed, Lily decided that she rather like having a helpless and unable-to-do-for-himself James at her mercy.

"Do you mind telling me why you decided to pop in past 2:30 in the morning? No less _DRUNK?"_ She grilled James as she straddled his leg to remove his first boot.

"Drunk? Dear God…that is indeed a disgusting word. Gentlemen do not get _drunk_." He shoved his other foot against her backside until the boot finally popped off. This process repeated with the second boot, however, James' shove was a bit harder, nearly sending Lily toppling over with the second boot in her hands. She swung around, eyes narrowed, only to find him grinning innocently at her. She threw the boot down, coming back to the bed to tackle his coat.

"You avoided my question, Potter."

"Which one was would that be again?" His forehead wrinkled as he tried to recall said question.

"Why are you in this disgusting condition you abominable man?!"

"Come now, luv. It really is all quite obvious. Why else would a man tip one too many? Either he's lost his wealth, a relative's died, or his bed is quite empty."

It was Lily's turn to look deliberately innocent. "Did someone die, _James_?"

He placed his hands on her hips, pulling her closer in-between his legs. He was smiling, but there was nothing humorous about it. "Play with fire, sweetheart, and you'll get burned," He warned thickly.

Lily yanked hard on his tie and pushed him back into his bed. "Sleep it off…_sweetheart_." Lily took off as fast as she could. She had to put some distance between herself and that man on the bed.

"You've got a black heart, Lily Evans," he called after her.

She closed the door with a decisive bang.

a/n-Thank you for keeping up with the story! And thank you Radishes for your review! :] It's always nice to have a positive review. It encourages me to write when I think people are actually enjoying my work. Haha I've got some new chapters coming up _soon._ Reviews are lovely as always!

Loves

Sexyboy


	4. Of Sleeplessness and Hangovers

James woke with a splitting headache and a curse on his lips. Warm sunlight passed through his bed hangings and managed to temporarily blind him. Sitting up, he yanked his curtains open and glared at his muggle alarm clock. _The sun couldn't be out at three in the morning, right? Gods! Twelve hours of sleep should of at least dampered the effects of a fucking hangover. _He cursed again as he went to get up.

What the hell had possessed him? Ah, well, he knew what possessed him, but he shouldn't have let it. It didn't help one bit that Sirius prodded him on, refilling his cups after the last drop was swallowed. James was pretty sure he did some regrettable things, just not entirely sure what. He would have to apologize, probably more than once.

Uncomfortable, he looked down at himself and grimaced. Mean-tempered Evans. She could of at least undressed him and tucked him in proper, since it was her fault he had got foxed in the first place. And hadn't she gotten snippy there, rubbing it in? He couldn't remember that clearly either.

James leaned back against his wall and massaged his temples. Well, he had his options, even at this hour. He could try to go back to sleep and settle in a coma-like state until his hangover receded, which was doubtful. He'd already slept more than his customary hours. He could change and go hit the pitch for a couple hours-that is, if he could manage to maneuver a broom at 200 feet with this splitting headache. Or he could be as mean-tempered as Evans and go wake up Sirius with some pots and pans. It was his fault, after all, that he was so deep in his cup when crawled back to his dormitory.

He laughed, which made him grimace. Sirius did not get "drunk" often, for he had a high tolerance for indulgence. However, when the dear boy did manage to get completely sodden drunk, he was known to not be very amenable the next day. Perfect, James decided to pay ol' pads a visit.

When Lily sat down to breakfast, she was still bleary-eyed, having spent a rather restless, sleepless night. This time it was her own fault. She felt rather guilty about her treatment of James earlier. She supposed she could of at least undressed him and made him more comfortable instead of leaving him as she had, not even bothering to see that he got under the covers. She was familiar with his body after all, of course by _accident_. She blushed.

Half a dozen times she had nearly gotten up to rectify the matter but changed her mind, afraid he might wake up and misconstrue her concern. Not that she would mind, which caused her to get up several more times but lose her nerve right when she got to his door. She didn't want to take advantage of his _condition_.

But then again it seemed as if he would of more than obliged in being taken advantage of. Even drunk he had the ability to arouse her. His words echoed in her mind- _"Play with fire, sweetheart, and you'll get burned". _What in the devil did he mean by that anyways? She sighed and thought about how she had practically ran from his room and did not stop until she was behind her own door. The prat was lucky he didn't get attacked, putting his hands on her like that… Of course it would be an attack he might of welcomed. Lily couldn't believe that this man could have such an effect on her. He hadn't really touched her, yet she became wet every time she thought about his hands on her, and the look he gave her. _And his damn, ominous words_.

It was a Hogsmeade weekend and she naturally accepted the invitation to join her friends Alice, Sammy and Andy. She had nothing better to do and it would be nice to get as far away from Potter as she could. She was starting to think perhaps she would enjoy a good burning.

James had thrown on his invisibility cloak and taken secret passages to try and avoid the mob of people. Slowly, because each step reverberated through his head, James made his way to Gryffindor Tower. He really doubted his head could stand the constant buzz of students as they shuffled around in their little cliques and gossiped freely. He was quite surprised to find the castle nearly deserted. Every once in awhile he would bump into some younger students, which led him to the grand conclusion that it had to be a Hogsmeade weekend. Quite a stroke of luck in his book.

He stopped once outside the seventh year boy dormitories and slowly made his way to where Remus, Sirius, Peter and Frank slept. He knocked once but entered without permission, to find Sirius sitting in bed quite naked, holding his head in his hands. James almost laughed but caught himself in time. It hurt too much to indulge. The poor sod did look quite miserable though.

Sirius didn't glance up to see who had intruded. Softly, ominously, he grated out, "Not above a whisper if you value your life."

"Got a little man hammering in your head too, you miserable puppy?"

Sirius raised his head slowly. His scowl was murderous. "At least a dozen, and I owe every bloody one to you, you bleeding-"

"The devil you do! You are the one who offered the bottle and bottomless cups, so if anyone has a right to complain-"

"I offered you one bottle, not several bottles, you ass!"

They both winced at the raised tone. "Well, I suppose you got me there."

"Good of you to admit it Prongs," Sirius snorted as he began rubbing his temples.

James lips began to twitch. It was quite ridiculous, the punishment they put their bodies through, although Sirius' body didn't look any worse for the wear. James had been surprised upon entering to see Sirius quite naked, not having seen him that way in several years since he last had to burst into an empty classroom fourth year and warn Sirius that his current ladylove had a very mad boyfriend on the way. He was now more broad, solid. He had a medium build with pretty thick muscles running along his chest and arms and down his legs.

"You know, Pads, You're and incredible brute specimen."

Sirius shook his head at the remark, looking down at himself and then back to James. He finally grinned at his friend's surprised. "The ladies don't seem to mind."

"No, I don't imagine they would." James chuckled. "So where has Remus gotten off to? I imagine he has to be feeling as bloody rotten as we do, correct?"

"Actually he was quite chipper. A little _too_ chipper. He had taken a hangover potion, and the sod decided to burst in here and open curtains and jump on my bed. I about killed the dear boy but we bargained and he is off to brew me up some of the good stuff."

"I hope he makes more than enough. Wouldn't mind trying the shat. Anything to get rid of this fucking axe wound."

A/N: Hello luvs and thanks for all new reviews and avid interest in my little tale. Sorry I haven't updated. I am actually in the middle of moving and had a lot of stuff on my mind. Anyways..here's a cookie for waiting so patiently and I promise to have a new chapter soon!


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